Name: Miserable Existence, Attorney at Law
Age: 7 in dog years
E-mail: happymonkeysquad@gmail.comPosition you want (Columnist/Sub-Editor): Columnist
Essay on Why You're Qualified:I am qualified because I am a writer who is very self-motivated and not easily discouraged by things. I meet deadlines and give things my all. Plus, you will find me to be more than just a columnist, but a friend you can rely on. Need someone to help you proofread things? I'm here. Need someone who knows figment and its users? That's me. I have read over 1,000 figment pieces and have connected with many a young writer. I know your audience, and I know how to reach out to them. With me, you will get a writer who (despite the weird name) will work hard and treat the job seriously.
Example of Your Work: (Here is an article I had published in the "Brian Riot" section of the figment newsletter a while back...)
I bring people the truth – whether or not they want to hear to it. That is why I have often been dragged out of public locations at 3 a.m. due to “noise complaints”. The United States government does not want you to know what I am about to reveal.
The year was 1932. The Great Depression had struck America hard, and no one was struck harder than the Kellogg’s Corporation. People’s fondness for cereal had seemed to fade away with the economy, and William Kellogg was going under. The only way to improve business, it seemed, was to make people believe that cereal was a necessity – so that’s exactly what he did.
February 32nd, 1935 – Kellogg met with President Franklin Roosevelt to discuss a new plan for a healthier America. The operation was known simply as “breakfast” – an initiative to provide people with the energy needed to start the day right. Branded as “the most important meal of the day”, breakfast fever was sure to sweep America – and sweep it did. Cereal sales went through the roof, and Kellogg became a millionaire.
Just remember - every time you fill your bowl with milk, you are really filling cooperate America with cash. Are you "cuckoo" for that?